Focus on the Family Canada supported this woman through her husband’s autism diagnosis

Gina* was at an extended family gathering with her husband, Richard*, and their daughters. Large gatherings tend to be stressful for Richard as he often feels overwhelmed and gets triggered when certain topics come up. This particular night led to a loud outburst. The next day, Gina’s sisters-in-law took her aside and said, “Have you ever considered that Richard has a mental health issue? Because we think that’s what this is.”

Gina had often wondered why their relationship felt exceptionally challenging throughout their 25 years of marriage, but she didn’t know how to approach Richard. Asking someone you love if they’d be open to seeing a mental health professional is challenging enough, but Gina knew she’d need extra support when she talked to Richard. She privately asked a couple of close friends for prayer and, even though it was a difficult conversation, she felt like the Holy Spirit gave her the words and guided the conversation. “It ended with him being open to going to see a psychiatrist,” she recalls.

From that psychiatric assessment, Richard received a diagnosis of autism.

Based on DSM-5 criteria, individuals on the autism spectrum are evaluated on two main aspects of development: social communication and social interaction deficits, and restrictive or repetitive behaviours, interests or activities. The brain of a person with this neurological wiring works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. Autistic individuals thus face unique challenges when interacting with the world around them, and romantic partnerships are no exception to this.

Gina now had a frame of reference for the challenges in their marriage, as well as countless questions of how to move forward.  “I've been trying things for 25 years,” she explains. “I was trying to keep my family at peace and avoid conflict and avoid myself feeling hurt, avoid our daughters feeling hurt. But in the end, they weren't effective because in many ways I didn't know what I was dealing with.”

Informed with Richard’s diagnosis, Gina went looking for support. She had known Focus on the Family Canada for decades, had read the Focus on the Family magazine and listened to the broadcast. Because of this relationship, she knew where to go for guidance in this new chapter of her marriage. “I called Focus on the Family Canada and said, here's the situation, and here's the mess. Where do we go from here?”

Searching for a new understanding

Gina received a complimentary phone consultation with a counsellor at Focus on the Family Canada. “She was excellent,” Gina recalls. “An incredible, very intuitive, godly woman.” Gina was then connected with a local counsellor for continued support who was equally gentle, compassionate and wise. 

When she first started her sessions with her new counsellor, they explored how autism impacts relationships and communication due to how the world looks through Richard’s unique perspective. For 25 years, Gina had tried strategies that ended up being ineffective because they weren’t aware of this crucial aspect of neurodivergence. With her counsellor’s help, Gina started to ask herself: What does this look like? What is my husband capable of seeing? What does his brain just not see?

Gina also read stories of other women who left their marriages when their spouse received an autism diagnosis and they didn’t feel they could continue. “They felt like they lose who they are as a person, and I remember thinking, that’s me. I feel like I’ve lost who I am,” she laments. “So how do you find yourself? How do you get to that point where you go, who am I, really? What do I love and what have I lost here? How do I regain this? And how do I honour my marriage and stay committed to it? Because that's where I was.”

In these deep challenges while adjusting to her new reality, Gina held fast to her wedding vows and discovered a deeper understanding of commitment. Leslie Vernick, a licensed clinical social worker, a relationship coach and bestselling author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, explains why this level of commitment and understanding is crucial to any marriage, especially when neurodiversity is in the picture:

“It’s important for you to remember that all successful long-term marriages take hard work. No individual, no matter how talented, intelligent, or spiritual, has all 52 cards in their deck. Being married to someone on the autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities, but so does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bipolar, or a spouse who is chronically unemployed or has a host of other difficulties. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice, boundaries, patience, and speaking the truth in love where necessary. Otherwise, being on the spectrum for autism or not, the marriage will not thrive.”

Finding the good in the difficult

In any marriage, relational challenges can overshadow the positive attributes of each spouse, with only the negative aspects coming to the foreground. Gina had been learning to navigate communication difficulties with Richard for almost a year after his diagnosis when her counsellor surprised her by saying: “Tell me about the positive parts of about Richard's autism.”

“I remember feeling like I was just slowly recovering emotionally from some of the shock of what I was dealing with that I couldn't even think of it,” Gina recalls. She couldn’t name anything at the moment, so her counsellor listed several positive attributes based on what Gina had shared. Then, Gina was able to identify several things:

• “Richard is incredibly committed to our marriage. For him, autism is black and white, right and wrong. Truth is huge. There's no question for him that this is long term and we're married until one of us passes away.”
• “He’s a really good provider for our family.”
• “If he sees something that needs to be fixed around the house, he will research it to the minutest detail, even if he has to watch hours of video or read hundreds of pages, and he’ll fix it.”
• “He can be extremely generous to me as his wife. Whether it's a holiday or a date, he says, ‘Let's do it right.’”

By identifying these positive attributes, Gina experienced renewed commitment to her marriage and their covenant relationship. “This may not be the marriage that I pictured 27 years ago now,” she explains, “but regardless of that, here are the beautiful parts that I can enjoy and these are the parts that I need to just radically accept, that this is where I am and this is where God has placed me. It's learning also to not make assumptions about what I think is happening, and allowing Richard to be able to speak to it as well.”

Caring for Gina’s heart

Gina continues to lean on her support system of friends, as well as building connections with others who have experience with neurodiverse relationships. “I feel like I'm doing okay because I have a good group of friends and I have others who have dealt with this; knowing that somebody else has dealt with it is super helpful.”

One of the things her counsellor often recommended was to give space and approach later. “It's a matter of, okay, I can't approach my husband right away because this is still pretty hot,” she explains. Sometimes she will wait a day, sometimes a week to address an issue. “We have to be intentional and have this discussion in private.”

Marriage experts like Vernick reiterate that all marriages are as strong as their foundation, and that there is only one foundation that can carry each spouse through challenges. “In any marriage, but especially one with unique challenges, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage, or even your own temporal happiness,” Vernick writes.

Building a mosaic marriage

Gina recalls a moment following Richard’s diagnosis where she looked around her life and only could see a pile of broken pieces – the years of relational challenges, the newfound understanding for the cause of those difficulties, and the uncertainty for how to navigate a path forward. “I remember thinking, right now all I see is this pile of broken pieces,” she recalls, “but then I thought, well, Lord, that’s a beautiful picture of a mosaic. You know, where you have all these broken pieces and it creates this beautiful picture. I feel like some of those pieces are being put into place. It feels like God's using some of the broken pieces to actually make some beautiful things, when at times it's not always clear and it's messy.”

Gina acknowledges that these pieces have been put together through her faith in God paired with support from their Christian therapists and counsellors and the tools they have learned along the way. “There is a recognition that this is not a quick fix, that this is a long-term journey,” she says, “but in the middle of brokenness, God can bring beauty out of some very hard things.”

Advice for partners of neurodiverse individuals

From Focus on the Family Canada counsellor Jennifer Antonsen

The earlier in your marriage that you can address these relationship issues, the better. The challenges of having a neurodiverse spouse will not lessen over time, so it’s ideal to be proactive and sort through this unique dynamic early in your marriage. However, it’s never too late to get help and work together to make positive changes in your relationship. 

1. Remember that your spouse is also a beloved son/daughter of God, and you are both equally and eternally loved by him.
2. Remember the gifts that your spouse brings to the relationship, not just the challenges. Choose to see your spouse through this lens of appreciation and honour.
3. Adjust your expectations of your neurodiverse spouse. At the same time, don’t excuse patterns of sinful behaviour, and set appropriate boundaries as needed.
4. Ensure that you build and maintain friendships, as well as family and social connections. Don’t rely solely on your marriage to meet your needs for emotional intimacy. It’s crucial to care for your emotional well-being, recognizing that any spouse (neurotypical or not) cannot meet all your needs.
5. Use discretion with who you choose to initially open up to. Not every friend or family member will have an understanding of neurodiversity, or a compassionate response.
6. Consider individual counselling for yourself and your spouse. This can empower you, the neurotypical individual, to process how your spouse’s words and actions (or lack thereof) have impacted you and how to move forward in a healthier manner. Finding a counsellor with experience in neurodiversity is also key.
7. Examine your own thoughts and reactions. Although your spouse may bring more obvious areas of challenge to the marriage, you will bring some as well. Ask God where he is asking you to grow or repent.
8. Be clear and direct by telling your partner what you specifically desire from them (e.g., “I would really appreciate if you could listen quietly for a few minutes while I share about my day”). Understand that your spouse has the choice to say “yes” or “no” to meeting this desire.
9. Know that if you choose to submit to God through the challenges of having a neurodiverse spouse, he will use this challenge for his glory. He can grow you in ways you never thought possible. 
10. Ask God for what you need. Be honest in your pain, anger and despair. He is not shocked by your thoughts or emotions. Know too that he never wants you to suffer alone or remain in a situation where you are unsafe. 
11. Don’t lose hope! Every marriage will have challenges and every spouse will require areas of growth. With appropriate help, it is absolutely possible for your spouse to grow in his/her social skills, communication and resolving conflict.
12. If you are not sure how to proceed, please call Focus on the Family Canada at 1.800.661.9800 for a free one-time counselling consultation.

Remember: A diagnosis can be very helpful in understanding how to proceed together. However, a diagnosis does not excuse any harmful behaviour that a spouse may be exhibiting. Emotional safety and physical safety are both vitally important in marriage. Verbal attacks or physical aggression are never OK. If you do not feel safe, please reach out to a friend, pastor or counsellor and get the help you need. 

*Names changes for privacy