Amanda and Bob experienced a marriage-saving miracle through Hope Restored

Separated for a year and a half, Amanda and Bob were at a loss in their marriage. There were lawyers involved and papers were ready to be signed. Despite going to counselling and trying to work things out, they kept having the same fights again and again. They didn’t know what else to do or how to make a positive change in their relationship.

“Because I have been divorced before, I had done a lot of counselling and thought I understood how to set healthy boundaries,” Amanda explains. “And yet when I tried to communicate, it was like I wasn’t being heard. I was constantly frustrated and Bob didn’t know what my problem was. He thought things were going fine and he would be completely blindsided. It got to the point where I was like, I’ve done this before, this feels way too familiar, I need to just get out.”

Bob knew that the demands of his life as a farmer and business owner were big stressors on their marriage. “I’m a workaholic,” Bob says. “I was 52 when I got married to Amanda and I spent all my life being a workaholic. So how do you go from 30-something years of always going 24/7 to switch gears?”

While Amanda was ready to move forward with the divorce, Bob was holding out hope. He spoke with his counsellor who told him about Hope Restored. “Bob, Focus on the Family has an intensive program,” he was told, “I think you guys should give this one last ditch effort.” The counsellor asked if it was okay to mention it to Amanda, and Bob said yes.

When Amanda called a couple days later – the first time since they separated a year and a half before – she asked Bob about Hope Restored, but had never been called by Bob’s counsellor. “I would walk every day and pray,” Amanda recalls. “‘I don’t want to try again,’ I said to God, ‘but if you want me to, I will.’ Then I saw the ads for Hope Restored, and I kept throwing them in the garbage. Then I thought, what if there is something there that they can teach us that will help us?”

Sensing God’s hand in orchestrating this, the couple agreed to register for the intensive. Bob and Amanda reached a turning point at Hope Restored. They attended a four-day group intensive, the one most recommended by our therapists. Despite initial hesitation of sharing their “dirty laundry” with strangers, Amanda quickly learned how valuable it was to be able to learn from other people’s experiences. And Bob was encouraged to know he wasn’t alone and that other couples were dealing with the same issues they were.

Over the course of those days, they learned marriage-saving tools and went home with reconciliation as their goal. Even though reconciliation wasn’t immediate, after attending they started to put into practice everything they had learned – and they began seeing the changes they’d been waiting years for. They then reached out to Wayne Reed, one of the Hope Restored marriage therapists, to officiate their vow renewal.

“We had a group of people and a large number were counsellors who worked with us for years,” Amanda recalls. “We wanted to honour their time they spent and show something positive from it.”

The experience also helped Amanda reflect on what she would say to someone who thinks their marriage is over: “Try first. I have been in a marriage that was over, and it doesn’t change who you are and your patterns of relating to people. You just end up repeating your patterns and the same thing in your next relationship. So try to find a different way and save that marriage that you’ve already put so much time and effort into it.”

Bob adds that having these tools earlier in their marriage would have helped them. “If marriages can get the tools they need before they get to where we were – if we had the tools three or four years earlier before things went sideways, we could have saved our marriage but we didn’t have those tools, so things went sideways,” he recalls. “We were done, we were divorced, settling the money was holding us back with our lawyers. And now, we are back and happily married.”

We sat down with Bob and Amanda four years after our last conversation to ask how Hope Restored is still impacting their marriage.

What was the single biggest issue that led to you going to the Hope Restored marriage intensive?

Amanda: I wasn’t feeling loved, valued or respected, and I wasn’t feeling like our marriage was safe, or that I could trust Bob. When I tried to address those issues, I didn’t know how to do it without being angry. So, we were kind of in a cycle of blame, anger and withdrawing. Whenever I would approach Bob, I would be angry and he would feel criticized and rejected, which caused him to withdraw and then I would get more angry. It was just a vicious cycle of unhealthy ways of communicating.

Bob: We were separated and were going for a divorce. Amanda had her mind made up. I went to the intensive with the positive thought that yes, Amanda wanted to give it one last try to show that she made an effort, but she thought it wasn’t going to work. And I went with the attitude that yes, things had fallen into place for a reason.

What tools did you find the most useful following the intensive?

Amanda: The most important thing to me was where we sat down and listed our answers for these questions: Who did God create me to be? What are the characteristics? How can we show up for our partner as that person? On your best day, what are the ways you can show up for your relationship? And when you are struggling a bit and working on that relationship, what’s something that God is working on in your life? How do you show up as that person consistently for your partner? I was looking at Bob and saying, “He’s not this and he’s not that.” I totally lost sight of what God was doing in my life and what he wanted me to work on.

Bob: The Heart Talk was the biggest tool. We still use it. If something seems to go wrong or someone’s feelings get hurt, then we call for a Heart Talk. We sit and do a Heart Talk, and it really does help. It helps deal with the issue instead of letting it fester or making it worse.

Amanda: I fully agree with Bob about the Heart Talk. When we slip into old patterns, one of us will be able to say, “Wait, we need a Heart Talk here.” And then one of us can step back and calm down and know that not only can we share what we’re really saying and feeling, but the other person is fully listening and there in the space with us.

How would you define “safety” in a marriage?

Bob: Before, we just got mad at each other and it got worse and worse, so we went our separate ways. I feel very safe now. If we do end up in a disagreement, or with hurt feelings, we do a Heart Talk as soon as we can so it doesn’t fester. That way, we solve our problem and move on. If we had the tools from Focus on the Family Canada before our separation, we probably could have solved those problems right away.

Amanda: To me, safety in my marriage means that we are a team. We are working together. It’s not one against the other. Both of our thoughts and opinions and concerns are equally valuable. We are working toward a win-win. We aren’t trying to win our particular argument, but what can work for us both together. We can do it in a way that’s respectful and kind and encouraging, not angry and bitter and blaming.

How are you caring for your heart?

Amanda: The main thing that I have gotten back to doing is to have a daily time with God in the morning. It’s a priority and I start my day with that, and it’s a time of reading Scripture but also spending time listening to what the Holy Spirit is saying to me. So, I journal and write all that down. I also am learning to recognize what things give me joy and peace, and making sure that I have time for them in my life. I need to be outdoors in nature as much as possible. That’s a place where I feel refreshed and renewed. I try to make sure that I get outside every day.

Focus on the Family Canada gave us a little card that has the Care Cycle on it. If I’m hitting something where I’m just not feeling good in a situation, I will go through those things and acknowledge what I am feeling, and I say that this feeling is my responsibility. It’s not up to Bob to fix it. This is for me to spend time with God and talk it through. Am I listening to God’s truth in this situation? Am I listening to the truth in our relationship? Or am I pulling up things from before? If I get stuck, I call our counsellor. That is so helpful to have someone who has worked with you in the past and knows our situation. 

Bob: The Heart Talk is what I depend on. It’s something you can deal with right away, so it doesn’t end up being a big deal.

What would you say to someone who feels hopeless in their marriage?

Amanda: I have recommended Hope Restored to a number of people. As a woman, I had some concerns about being told similarly to my experience in the church: submit and stick it out. I was afraid that that’s what I was going to hear again, but I did not. I felt safe and cared for as myself whether I chose to continue with the marriage or not. They were there to help me heal and to learn tools regardless of whether my marriage succeeded or not, and that was incredibly freeing to me. It took a weight off and made me feel safe. I felt cared for in my marriage, but I felt cared for as an individual too.

Bob: We would tell people that they need to go to Hope Restored. We were separated for two years, partway through our divorce, and look at us now. It worked!