Q&A: Pornography in our marriage

Question: My husband wants to bring pornography into our bedroom as a way of "enhancing" our sexual relationship. I’m extremely uncomfortable with this. Are his requests reasonable?

Answer:

Your misgivings are well grounded. There are a number of ways in which a couple can "spice up" their marriage relationship. Turning to pornography isn’t one of them.

Educate yourself

Based on what you've told us, we’re assuming that your husband isn’t a Christian. If neither one of you is a believer, we’d urge you to learn everything you can about the Biblical view of marriage and God’s original design and intent for human sexuality. A good place to begin is Focus on the Family Canada’s Focus Helps web site. A section of this site is dedicated entirely to helping couples and individuals recover the true heart of sexuality and the joy of marital satisfaction.

Speak to a counsellor

You may also want to call and discuss your question with one of our staff counsellors. Each is a committed Christian, a licensed therapist whose views and approach are compatible with a Biblical perspective. You may call Monday through Friday between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. Pacific time at 1.800.661.9800. Just ask for our counsellors’ assistant to book an appointment. Both this service and the return call come at no cost to you; please accept them as a demonstration of our concern for you.

The realities of pornography

Pornography undermines the significance of the marriage covenant. By proposing to bring it into your bedroom, your husband is in effect saying that he wants to have multiple sex partners at the same time. That’s bad enough, but pornography is also powerfully addictive. Those who use it come to depend upon "partners" other than their own spouses – images in videos and magazines – to stimulate sexual arousal. Like any other drug, porn tends to lose its potency over time, so that eventually the addict needs more and more to achieve the same "high." Many users end up gravitating toward hard core erotic material and even violent porn.

As you can tell, we regard the use of pornography in marriage as very dangerous thing. If your husband cannot see the sense of this argument, or if he refuses to join you in seeking counselling, you may wish to consult Dr. Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough for possible solutions. It will help you develop the strength and courage you need into order to confront this issue head-on.