Q&A: How can I ensure I don't replicate my parents' negative parenting style?

Question: Though I’m grown with children of my own, I continue to struggle with feelings of bitterness toward my parents. When I think of them, I remember only their harsh criticism, dysfunctional parenting and unloving attitude. I don’t want these memories to affect my relationship with my kids. How do I break this negative pattern?

Answer: 

The dilemma you’re facing is very real, and probably more common than you suspect. It’s obvious that you were seriously wounded as a child by your parents’ attitudes, words and actions, and as a result you’re still carrying around a great deal of anger and bitterness. You’ve taken an important first step in the right direction by recognizing that you need to deal with these emotions – in the long run, feelings of bitterness only harm the person who harbours them, not the one who inflicted the pain in the first place. What’s more, you’re correct in supposing that the resentment you feel toward your parents could have a negative impact on your relationship with your own kids, particularly during the teen years. It’s best to resolve this internal struggle before it begins to affect the rest of your family.

Learn to forgive

The best way you can do this is by learning to forgive. As we’ve already indicated, this is something you need to do for the sake of your own mental and spiritual well-being. Ultimately, it’s not about your parents – it’s about facilitating your own personal healing. Bear in mind that, from the Biblical perspective, forgiving and loving someone is an act of the will, not the emotions. You may never experience warm and tender feelings toward your mom and dad. Why should you, given the way they’ve hurt you? But you can choose to love them with the unconditional agape love of Jesus Christ. And you won’t be able to move ahead with your own life until you give up your right to be angry at them for making your childhood miserable. 

Commit to prayer

We have four suggestions for you. First, commit the situation to prayer. Ask the Lord to allow you to feel the emotions from which you’ve been trying to escape for so many years. Remember the words of Jesus: "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). Then pray that He might grant you deliverance from the negative memories that have been clogging your spiritual arteries, binding your emotions, and holding you captive for so many years. The Gospel declares that Christ has come to set you free (Luke 4:18; Galatians 5:1), and we believe that God will not fail to keep this promise if you look to Him in faith and lean on Him with all your heart.

Discuss your feelings

Third, if your parents are still living, you may want to consider the option of setting up a time to meet with them in order to discuss your feelings (of course, there may be some situations in which this would not be advisable – be careful to use discretion here). If your spouse is supportive, it would be a good idea to bring him or her along. Tell your mom and dad how much they’ve hurt you and how the memory of their words and actions continues to cause you pain. Keep your emotions under control, but be straightforward and honest. Explain that your purpose in bringing this up is not to hurt them in return, but to find release from the negative effects of your memories. This will take a tremendous amount of courage on your part, but it can be an important part of gaining the freedom you’re seeking.

Develop empathy

Finally, try to develop some empathy for your parents. Ask yourself what it was about their personal backgrounds that made them treat you the way they did. Find out what their childhoods were like. It’s likely that they, too, grew up with harsh, unloving parents – that you’re just on the receiving end of a problem that spans several generations. If you have a chance to talk with them about this, try to pose some carefully considered questions about their past. If they’re no longer living, you may be able to locate a member of the extended family who can provide you with the information and insights you need. A deeper understanding of their backgrounds and motives will give you a broader perspective on their behaviour. This won’t excuse the mistreatment you received at their hands, but it may help you release some of your bitterness. 

As you begin to work your way through this process, you may find yourself in need of some outside assistance. A trained Christian counsellor can be a tremendous help to you in this regard. Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling staff can supply you with a list of referrals to registered family practitioners in your local area. They would also be more than happy to discuss your feelings with you at greater length over the phone. You can reach them Monday through Friday between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. Pacific time at 1.800.661.9800. 

In the meantime, we’d like to recommend a couple of books that will provide you with some very helpful advice: R. T. Kendall’s Total Forgiveness and When You Can’t Say "I Forgive You:" Breaking the Bonds of Anger and Hurt, by Dr. Grace Ketterman and David Hazard.