Narcissism in marriage: What to watch for and how to respond

The word “narcissist” has become a bit of a buzzword in our culture. A lot of people seem to be on the lookout for this kind of personality, but as is often the case with mental health labels, this word is usually applied far too liberally.

When talking about narcissism, it’s important to clarify definitions. Dealing with someone who is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a far different situation than dealing with someone who has narcissistic qualities. 

Leslie Vernick, a licensed clinical social worker and expert on emotionally destructive marriages, advises¹ against hastily labelling someone. 

“Sometimes we see certain traits in someone, do a little searching on the internet and then ‘label’ that person,” she explains. “But that can be hurtful and dangerous, especially if you are the one being labeled. I have seen women who are suffering from abuse and trauma wrongly labeled . . . and eventually lose custody of her children.”

Therefore, before going any further, it’s important to define terms. 

What is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), NPD is diagnosed when an individual consistently and pervasively shows five of the following nine symptoms over the course of their adulthood:

1. grandiose sense of self-importance
2. preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and idealization
3. belief in being “special” and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people (or institutions)
4. demanding excessive admiration
5. sense of entitlement
6. exploitative behaviours
7. lack of empathy
8. envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them
9. arrogant, haughty behaviours and attitudes.

It can be tempting to look at this list and immediately start diagnosing people in your life, but Dr. Fred DiBlasio – an expert in the field of NPD – offers² a word of caution:

“First of all, even before you consider the symptoms, you have to ask yourself, Has this person had this particular kind of problem all their life? If you find that you say to yourself, You know, this sort of began when they were 50 years old, then it can’t be a personality disorder. A personality disorder means that it’s part and parcel to who you are as a person. . . . [The symptoms] need to be pervasive. They can’t be something that just pops up once in a while.”

What if I think my spouse has NPD?

While NPD is less common than culture and media would have us believe, it is important to consider that if your spouse does have this, you need professional help from someone trained in personality disorders. 

If someone has NPD and they are confronted by their spouse, this will lead to anger, frustration, and defensiveness. It is not advisable for you to bring up your concerns with a spouse suspected to have NPD without professional support – it’s also not likely going to be worth the effort. 

“If it really is narcissism, they’re not going to learn,” DiBlasio explains². “You see, the hallmark of a personality disorder – whichever one it is but especially narcissism – is they don’t learn from the consequences of their behaviour. So, you pointing out the consequences of their behaviour or their symptoms will only cause them to [believe] you’re really not a good guy anymore. That you don’t like them. And then once they get into that dark track about you, things can actually be worse than what they were before.”

Vernick affirms this, explaining¹, “Blowing up with criticism and judgment as well as attacking and accusing will only drive a narcissist to react negatively with more arrogance and insensitivity.”

She adds the importance of learning the needs of someone with NPD. They are highly sensitive to fear and abandonment, so as difficult as it can be, it’s essential to reassure them of your love and care so they’re able to hear what you have to say without reacting. 

DiBlasio does not believe this to be a hopeless situation². Over the years, he has counselled many couples and families through an NPD diagnosis and worked closely with the individual to learn effective tools and strategies to mitigate damage to their relationships. If you have concerns that your spouse may have NPD, find a therapist trained in personality disorders, and either begin to see them as an individual or, if you think your spouse would be open to it, suggest couples counselling. Then, let the counsellor lead the conversation to unpack a possible diagnosis. Be sure to surround yourself with trusted prayer warriors who can support and uplift you through this process. 

Above all, remember that God loves you more than your marriage. If at any point you feel unsafe – whether it’s physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually – seek refuge and lean on your support network. 

What if my spouse doesn’t have NPD but has similar traits?

DiBlasio explains² that personality disorders – including narcissistic, antisocial, borderline and histrionic – make up 10 to 20 per cent of the population. Which means 80 to 90 per cent of the population do not have a diagnosable personality disorder. 

So, why do some of these symptoms of NPD look so common? Simply put, because we’re all sinners. At times, we are all capable of being entitled, having an inflated sense of self, lacking empathy, being envious. We’re fallen humans in a fallen world, and when trials and difficulties come, we often don’t act our best. 

“We all fall on a continuum somewhere between healthy and unhealthy,” Vernick explains¹. “And in a moment’s snapshot, we might look unhealthy if we were in a crisis, or we might look healthy if we're giving a sermon in church.”

Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling team will sometimes get calls from clients who are convinced their spouse is a narcissist. Jennifer Antonsen, executive director of marriage and family ministries and a registered counsellor, says, “We find it more helpful to not focus on a diagnosis or naming the symptoms, but on what the behaviours are, and how a spouse can respond to them, care for oneself, and protect oneself.”

What unhealthy behaviours do I need to watch for?

In her book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Vernick includes a questionnaire that highlights certain behaviours to watch for if you are concerned you’re in an unhealthy relationship: 

• Your spouse belittles you, humiliates you in front of others, badgers, undermines, and threatens you. 
• Your spouse is often jealous and is inappropriately dependent on you (if not codependent) to meet their needs. 
• Your spouses uses physically abusive tactics (whether it’s actual physical harm or the implied threat) to express displeasure and seek to force you to do as they say. 
• Your spouse shows a consistent indifference to your feelings. 
• Your spouses uses mind games, gaslighting, and blaming to make you feel crazy. 
• Your spouses is coercive as they seek to control you – especially when it comes to financial control. 
• Your spouse is deceptive and regularly breaks trust with you. 

While there may be overlap between someone who is diagnosed with NPD and someone who shows these behaviours, that isn’t always the case. What’s important to understand is, with or without a diagnosis, these behaviours are unacceptable. 

Every marriage goes through difficult seasons, but these types of marriage relationships are different. Vernick identifies an emotionally destructive marriage as “one where one’s personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized or crushed.” 

This is not what God designed marriage to be. If these behaviours are present and commonplace in your marriage, reach out for help from someone you trust. You can also call Focus on the Family Canada’s counsellors at 1.800.661.9800 to walk through this realization. 

How do I know if my marriage can flourish?

While it’s necessary to look for unhealthy behaviours in a marriage, it’s also important to know what traits are present in healthy marriages. Some of us have grown up with parents whose marriage was anything but healthy, so it can be hard to know what it takes for a couple to not just survive a crisis season but eventually thrive. 

In her book, Vernick outlines three essential ingredients for thriving marriages: 

1. Mutuality

At the end of the day, both spouses are working together for the good of the relationship. They’re showing care for one another, they take responsibility for their part in maintaining the relationship, and they’re showing humility and repentance when they need to repair what’s been broken. 

2. Reciprocity

There is a balanced give and take in your relationship. Not everyone is able to be their best all the time, so you take turns where sometimes one person gives more than they take, and vice versa. One person isn’t always benefitting at the expense of the other person. 

3. Freedom

In your marriage, you are allowed to make your own decisions, openly share your opinions, and be honest about your feelings without fear of reprisal. You can show up honestly without feeling pressured to conform, change, or hide your truest self.

At the end of the day, what can I do? 

Whether or not there is a formal NPD diagnosis, if you’re reading this article, there are likely challenges that you need to work through in your marriage. Professional counsellors can be incredibly helpful – either for individuals or the couple together – to guide you in working through your fears, hurts, and concerns. 

But ultimately, you are not able to change or control your spouse. You are only responsible for you. 

At Focus on the Family Canada’s Hope Restored marriage intensives, couples in varying degrees of crisis are taught the Healthy Marriage Model. In this model, a healthy marriage is made up of two healthy individuals, each personally responsible for their own emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental needs. 

Whatever the state of your marriage, it’s important for you to practise the following healthy behaviours on an individual level: 

1. Establish appropriate boundaries

“Boundaries are an expression of values,” Vicki Hooper, Hope Restored therapist, explains. “They define what I will do and won’t do; what I allow and don’t allow; what is okay and not okay for me. When done well in marriage, boundaries also create a sense of safety and freedom for both spouses.” 

The goal of a boundary is not punishment, but rather self-protection. For example, you might say, “If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room until we’ve both calmed down.” But you would not say, “If you raise your voice at me, I won’t speak to you for a week.” 

2. Practise self-care

Luke 10:27 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.” At Hope Restored, this verse is the basis for practising emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental self-care. 

We all have things that fill us and things that deplete us. Your responsibility is to regularly practise things that “fill your tank,” not expecting your spouse to do that for you. For example, if you feel better after going for a run, don’t wait for your spouse to ask you to go running – schedule time for yourself and prioritize what you need to show up as a healthier person in your marriage. 

3. Invest in healthy friendships 

In our Western culture, many people falsely believe the “you complete me” idea of romance. They think their husband or wife is the only relationship they need, and they can neglect and even cut off contact with friends and family members. 

But God created us to be part of a community of believers, so make sure you’re making time in your life for healthy friendships, participating in a group Bible study or church community group, and engaging with extended family. No one person can be everything another person needs – you can’t be solely responsible for your spouse’s social fulfillment, and it’s unfair of you to expect that of them. 

4. Make time for God 

Above all else, your relationship with God is what will sustain you in this season. If you’re married to someone who is either diagnosed with NPD or is showing narcissistic behaviours, it can be incredibly discouraging and your soul can easily feel weary. 

By prioritizing your time with God, reading the Scriptures, praying, singing praise, and attending church alongside fellow believers, you will continually be reminded of God’s truth over the lies the enemy wants you to believe. 

If you are concerned your spouse has NPD or is showing narcissistic behaviours that are causing discouragement or even harm to you and your relationship, please reach out for help. Focus on the Family Canada’s counsellors offer a free, one-time phone consultation to help you begin your healing journey. They can also refer you to a counsellor in your area. Call 1.800.661.9800 Monday to Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time, to get help.