Handling holiday conflict with family

With the holidays in full swing, knowing how to deal with family conflict is important.

Though the holiday season is one of celebration and joy with family, inevitably conflict will arise. Whether you are hosting this holiday or you are attending a holiday gathering as a guest, there are some ways you can prepare for and resolve conflict.

Remember, your children are watching how you handle conflict this holiday season. Your response to conflict gives your kids an example of how to step out of conflict in a healthy way. Here are some tips on how you can deal with family conflict during the holidays in a godly and caring way.

How to prepare for family conflict

Though we would love to avoid family conflict altogether, it is better to be prepared for potential conflict. Both guests and hosts can help prepare their families by discussing the family holiday gathering ahead of time.

If you are going to be a guest at a family gathering this holiday, it is important to consider a few things before you arrive.

Be a contributor not a consumer

As a guest, your first inclination may be to consume while you are at the family gathering. Conflict can easily arise from this mode of thinking. When considering all the work the host has done in preparation for your arrival, it is important to contribute as well. Don’t just assume the host doesn’t need any help. Think of ways you can help your family during this holiday gathering.

Whether you help clean up after the meal, ask to help prepare food, or just offer a thank you, contributing during the family get-together is a big way you can help avoid family conflict this holiday. By being a peaceful and positive influence, conflict will be less likely to occur.

Be on your best behaviour

A line your children have most likely heard a hundred times is “be on your best behaviour.” The same applies to you as you walk into a family gathering. 

Remember your children and the other children in your family are watching. Your kids are learning how to interact with extended family and how you react to other family members can positively or negatively impact their behaviour as well. 

By being a good, helpful guest, you can set the standard for how your own children should behave. As a guest, the way you talk and serve gives your children an example of how they should act during family gatherings. By setting out to be on your best behaviour, you are preparing to handle conflict ahead of time.

If you have the honour of hosting your family holiday gathering this year, remember these tips to help reduce stress and increase sweet holiday memories.

Be realistic

As a host, you likely want everything to be perfect and run smoothly. The bottom line is, nothing will be absolutely perfect.

Be realistic with your expectations as a host. Something will burn in the oven, a family member will arrive late, and one of the cousins will say something you wish they hadn’t. If you are realistic with your expectations, you will help yourself in the long run. Letting go of your expectations as the host can resolve many potential conflicts.

Discuss the reason for the season

As the host, you have the unique opportunity of helping your children understand why you are gathering and hosting. During this holiday season, a host can lose sight of why they are hosting to begin with. Taking the time to sit with your family and discussing the reason for hosting a family gathering can show your children why we celebrate.

The Lord is a Good Shepherd, who has been with your family the whole year. When talking with your kids, be clear about the reason why we celebrate. Then, help your kids learn to behave accordingly as you invite family into your home. When you do this, you prepare your children for the joy of hosting while also preparing them for possible conflict.

Be understanding

Your family members are all uniquely designed by the Father. They each have different personalities and ways of thinking. As you begin planning the holiday gathering, be prepared for how these personalities could interact.

Some family members will want downtime from activities, some will want to play family games all day, some may prefer to watch sports. Regardless of their preference, it is important to be understanding.

When considering your family’s different personalities, as a host you can offer different activities that play to the likes of everyone. Even though you cannot please every family member, you can give different types of activities so everyone can find something to do while at the gathering.

How to resolve family conflict

Though you may prepare ahead of time to avoid family conflict, it may still happen. If so, here are some ways to lovingly resolve conflict this holiday season.

Manage your expectations

As a guest, it can be easy to create expectations of how the holiday gathering should go. Remember, you are not hosting this year. You are a guest in a family member’s home, who is providing the space and time so the whole family can make fond memories this holiday. 

Unmet expectations often lead to conflict. When you manage your expectations, it can help when conflict arises.

If there is something you wish the family had done, or there is something you think you could have done better, remember to manage your expectations. Take a deep breath and remember that you may need to make adjustments to help decrease stress.

Take a time out

During family conflict, remind yourself and your family that you are allowed to take a time out if tension gets high. It can be the best thing if you take a deep breath and step away from the conflict if it gets out of hand. 

With your children watching, you want to show them how to handle conflictual conversations in a healthy and kind way. Stepping away, outside or into another room can be a great way to avoid saying something you might regret.

Facing family conflict doesn’t mean you have to face off at a family gathering. It is neither the time nor the place. Take a time out and if need be, take your children with you. 

It is acceptable as a guest to leave if boundaries have been crossed; know your limits and exit in a polite fashion. This may seem abrupt, but leaving rather than engaging is sometimes the best option depending on the situation.

Be flexible

As conflicts pop up, remember things may not go exactly like you planned. Hosting can be difficult, and if your expectations are set on the perfect holiday, you’ll be let down. Allow for some flexibility surrounding the holiday festivities. 

By staying flexible, you reduce the continuation of conflict. When things don’t go as planned, you can be prepared to move on and remember why you are gathering in the first place.

Love your family well

It is normal to have disagreements with your loved ones. As you navigate these holiday conflicts, continue to love them well. As the host, you get to set the tone of the holiday gathering. 

If you choose to love your family members well through conflict, your children will take notice. It is never easy to love when things get heated. So, in these moments, turn to prayer and ask the Father to give you love for your family.

Forgive family conflict

Teach your kids to seek ways to live at peace with the people in your lives (Romans 12:18), and as you work through a family conflict, forgive those who have wronged you.

At times you must choose to forgive even when you may not feel like it. Talk to your children about offering forgiveness completely and without limits, as Jesus described in Matthew 18:21-22. In the same way, seek to reconcile by asking for forgiveness as well for any wrongdoings you may have done.

Especially in light of recent political issues, it is important to be prepared for potential conflict or conversations involving touchy topics. Whether you are a guest or host, consider how the past stretch of time positively or negatively affects your family members. 

Here are some tips for navigating family conflict: 

Guests – Honour your host

Regardless of your opinions surrounding politics and similar trending concerns, find the best way to honour the host. If you are a guest this year, recognize that your role is different from the host. Since they are hosting the holiday gathering, they set the guidelines for how things will go in their home. Consider how you and your family can lovingly respect the host’s boundaries. 

As you consider whether you will attend the family gathering or not, politely discuss your reasoning with your family. This is not a time to convince them to change their stance on guidelines for the gathering. Rather, it is an opportunity to respectfully explain your family’s decisions so no one is surprised if your family does something different for the holidays. Remain prayerful throughout the entire process.  Disagreement is normal, but you want to maintain a good relationship despite the differences.

Hosts – Respectfully set guidelines

If you are hosting a gathering this holiday, you can set boundaries and guidelines for many different things. If you are planning on hosting, consider your boundaries ahead of time so you can tell family members beforehand with love and kindness. 

Give your family time to consider the guidelines you have set out and respectfully allow them to make their decisions for their immediate families.

Be sure to give them the whybehind your thought process. This allows them to consider where you are coming from, no matter the choice you made. 

Be gracious and loving so as to not cause unnecessary strife.  As family members begin to make decisions, honour them as they honour you. 

If guests decide not to attend, consider making a virtual option for people to gather. Remember to continue to love your family well no matter the outcome.

Final thoughts on handling family conflict

Family conflict doesn’t have to ruin your holiday this year. When you take proactive steps with yourself and your family, you are prepared for and ready to resolve conflict. Conflict is never easy, but prayerfully considering these tips can help as you get ready for celebrating the holidays with your family.

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