Guilt vs. shame: How to tell the difference?

Beth* felt defeated. Earlier, a sexually explicit image appeared on her laptop screen. She tried to ignore it and focus on the project she was working on. It worked for a few minutes but then she went back and gave in to her desires. Twenty minutes later, as feelings of remorse came over her, she slammed her laptop shut. 

Beth’s curiosity had first led her to pornography. She’d heard others at school talking about it. She knew from her reading of Scripture that it wasn’t a godly thing to do. She’d even recently listened to a sermon on 1 John 2:16 and had sworn that she wouldn’t access porn again. “For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life – comes not from the Father but from the world.” Unfortunately, her resolve was short-lived and temptation won out. 

Newly married, Ben* had been anticipating intimacy with his young wife. Only, things weren’t working as they could be. He somehow couldn’t shake the feelings he had – feelings of being unsafe, shameful, closed off. Being vulnerable and intimate with his wife was proving to be challenging.

At times when his wife reached out to him, Ben was reminded of the sexually inappropriate acts of his high school football coach and all those feelings he had back then would come flooding back – like he was dirty, used, unworthy. He rarely spoke of these feelings and felt like he was the only person to struggle like this.

You may have heard something like this before: Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong whereas shame is the feeling that you are wrong. Shame is the idea that “I am bad” rather than “I did something bad.” 

It’s true that none of us measure up. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and that’s exactly why we need Jesus. As we believe in Jesus’ work on the cross and choose him as our Saviour, we are restored to how we were originally intended to be – children of God, made in his flawless image and deeply loved by him.

However, even after we’ve given our lives to Christ, we’ll still find moments when temptation hits like it did for Beth or we’re flooded with painful feelings like Ben. So, what can we do? We need to start by understanding the difference between shame and guilt. 

Shame

Ben’s experience is shame. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but his high school coach’s previous sexual advances still make him feel like there was something wrong with him. 

Shame is nasty and outright lies about who you are. It tells you you’re unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, and so on. It then implores you to keep quiet about it. Shame can be sneaky too – you may not even realize where the feelings are coming from. 

Shame thrives in the darkness and secrecy. And when we give in to the temptation to stay silent about our shame, we close ourselves off to the perspective of loved ones and professionals. We don’t even know the lies we’re believing because we’re too ashamed to tell anyone how we feel. 

Like in Ben’s case, shame can be a result of previous trauma, but it can also sprout from negative words we’ve heard about ourselves from others we care about and look up to. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, parents and caregivers can say something that discourages a child, rather than corrects them in love. Unbeknownst to the parent, this can have a long-term impact for that child. Many of us remember something that was said to us years ago – as if it leaves an indelible mark on our sense of self. For example, my grade 10 band teacher once said that I was self-centred when, in fact, I hadn’t done the action that he was referencing. It wasn’t true, but those words – “You’re self-centred” – stuck. 

Guilt

Guilt, on the other hand, can be constructive in our lives. It may stem from things we’ve done that are wrong, sinful or hurtful to others. It can also be the result of self-reflection. For example, you may be reminded of when you raised your voice after your child accidentally spilled milk and Cheerios everywhere and, after thinking about it, you realize that by raising your voice, your children felt unsafe or unloved in that moment. Guilt can be a catalyst to reconnect with your child and admit that Mommy or Daddy isn’t perfect but loves them very much. Guilt can inspire us to make amends with our loved ones, confess our sin and/or repent from our ways. 

Guilt can also be an emotion we feel when the Holy Spirit nudges us, when we read Scripture, and/or when our inner God-given conscience brings something to mind. While shame whispers (or shouts!) “You’re unworthy” or “You’re no good,” guilt is a healthy and useful experience that can help us make positive changes.

Beth was experiencing guilt. She knew the truth about lust from reading Scripture. She also knew that accessing pornography could impact a future intimate relationship she might have. Confessing her actions to God and another person could be a first step to getting the help she needs. Other steps to overcoming a porn addiction are getting counselling, finding a support group and being accountable to another person. Of course, there are other things we might be guilty of – overeating, drinking to excess, yelling and swearing, unforgiveness, and adultery are just the beginning of a list of guilt-producing exercises. If we pay attention to guilt and heed its warnings, we can seek out restoration and redemption. 

Interestingly, it seems Adam and Eve experienced both guilt and shame in the Garden of Eden. Just as a child might sneak a cookie before dinner, Eve was guilty when she took and ate the fruit from the tree in the middle of the Garden. God had specifically commanded Adam that they could eat from any tree but that one. Adam’s innocence was also lost when he took the fruit Eve gave him and ate it. 

Both were guilty because they had disobeyed God with their actions, but what made them cover themselves with fig leaves? Genesis 3:7 tells us that the eyes of both were opened, and they realized they were naked. What was a natural thing moments before became shameful in an instant – shameful enough to cover themselves up. Was it because of their actions? No, it was because they listened to a deceptive voice telling them they were wrong. 

Shame test

Sometimes the line between guilt and shame can be blurry. It can be difficult to know which we’re feeling and how to respond. So, here’s a test for you. 

First, write down your inner dialogue. Identify the thoughts that are circling in your head. 

Once you’ve done that, ask yourself: “Would I say that to someone I adored?” For example, if you wrote down something like, “I shouldn’t have eaten 20 cookies. I’m worried that I’m getting full on cookies and not getting the nutrients I need,” that might be a useful thing to say to a child (although perhaps not a spouse!).

However, if your inner dialogue includes thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m ugly,” “I can’t do anything,” “Nobody loves me” or something similar, that is not useful. Nor is it true. And, if you say that to a loved one, your relationship would be negatively impacted. You might even regret your words as soon as you utter them. We generally speak more kindly to others than we do to ourselves. Too many of us are fine with negative self-talk when we would never speak that way to a friend, spouse, child or loved one. This type of inner dialogue promotes shame and when we let these shame-based thoughts run rampant, there are very negative consequences.

Ways to lessen shame

One way to overcome shame is to tell your story. It’s not necessarily healthy to tell it to everyone, but you can start by telling someone you feel safe with and will keep your story confidential. This could be a pastor or pastor’s spouse, a family member, or a good friend. If you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable with, start by writing it out and “telling” yourself. Pick up a journal and begin there. Identifying your emotions will help too. If even this feels a little scary, you can simplify the process by having a conversation with God, telling him about your experience, how it made you think about yourself and the emotions that arise. 

It’s also essential to connect with others who are healthy. Those who have a healthy, balanced view of themselves are more likely to encourage others and less likely to be judgmental. They will also demonstrate a way of accepting themselves and being aware of where they fall short. These people make great role models when you’re trying to improve shame-based thinking. 

Finally, spend some time with God, in prayer or go for a walk with him. Meditate on and memorize Scriptures that tell you who you are in Christ. Scriptures such as: “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) or “He chose you in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight” (Ephesians 1:4). Aim to align your beliefs about who you are with his truths about you. You have probably picked up messages along the way that are far from the truth – we all have – but God is eager to shine his light of truth into the darkness of those lies. 

Regardless of your past, healing is possible. In fact, if you know Christ, you have already been made new (2 Corinthians 5:17); however, sometimes we hang onto our old life. If shame or guilt continue to discourage you and you feel stuck, feel free to reach out to a trusted professional or to Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling department for a free, one-time phone appointment. Having an unbiased person listen to you can help you navigate shame, particularly as they gently question some of your thoughts and emotions that may be misleading you. 

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt and shame, we encourage you to reach out for help. Our team of registered counsellors offers a free one-time phone consultation and can also refer you to a trusted counsellor in your area. Call us at 1.800.661.9800 Mondays to Fridays, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., or visit FocusOnTheFamily.ca/Counselling to learn more.