Bless your child with an adult mentor

There is something incredibly special about being seen and known on an individual level. In many families, it can be easy for children to feel overlooked – especially if they have multiple siblings. When you have someone who validates you, cares about you, and listens to you, the impact can last your whole life.

If you think back, did you have someone – whether it was a formal mentor, or an aunt/uncle, grandma/grandpa, coach, teacher, or family friend – who you could rely on for advice, encouragement, and a listening ear? If you did, you probably hold on to those memories with a particular fondness as you know how formative they were in helping you become who you are today.

That was certainly Naomi’s¹ experience. After her father left, Naomi’s struggling single mom faced many pressing concerns – how to keep the home her children grew up in, how to make sure there was food on the table, how to find jobs flexible enough to still get the kids to and from school. She also wisely recognized an additional need – the need for another stable adult to support and guide her children. So, she signed them up with a mentoring organization that pairs children and youth with adult volunteers to provide strong mentor relationships.

Over the years that followed, Naomi benefitted from having not one but two adult mentors.

“When I was first paired up with a mentor, they matched me with someone about my mom’s age,” Naomi recalls. “She was really nice. We did crafts together and she taught me piano, but as I became a tween, I started to feel like I had two moms.”

Naomi’s mom went back to the organization and asked if they could pair Naomi up with someone a little younger. That’s when Naomi met Jessica.¹

“Jessica was a single woman in her 20s, and she definitely felt more like a big sister or a fun aunt,” Naomi explained. “She would take me on hikes, let me practice driving her car in empty parking lots, introduced me to the world of coffee shops and fancy hot chocolates. And when we’d hang out, we’d just talk. I’d tell her about my friends and my family, and she just listened. I felt very seen and heard, which was a huge gift to a tween girl.”

Naomi treasured those experiences and always knew she’d want to be a mentor herself one day. Instead of going through a formal mentorship organization, however, Naomi grew up to become an aunt. Today she offers to her niece what she received from Jessica. There’s no formal arrangement – her sister and brother-in-law never asked her to become their daughter’s mentor – but out of proximity and opportunity, Naomi gets to be part of her niece’s life and provide her with the extra support she treasured growing up.

The value of non-parent adult mentors

You may not have considered finding a mentor for your child, but the benefits to be gained make it worth exploring. And a potential mentor may be closer than you think. Is there an aunt or uncle, grandfather or grandmother, family friend, coach, or youth group leader who simply needs to be invited into a more intentional relationship with your child?

According to Psychology Today,² non-parent adult mentoring has numerous benefits for kids. Mentoring provides a child with:

• an opportunity to learn positive social skills and develop interpersonal connections outside the immediate family
  
  
• external support to work through relationship challenges with peers and family members
  
  
• meaningful conversation to improve critical-thinking skills and gain perspective from someone older and wiser
  
  
• the ability to practise self-regulation by talking through emotions and impulses
  
  
• identity development by practising empathy, curiosity, resourcefulness, and resilience in a safe relationship
  
  
• new ways of thinking and different life experiences to help them see life outside their immediate family
  
  
• a boost in self-confidence and a belief in oneself.

Simple and practical ideas for mentors

The idea of mentoring can feel daunting, as if the adult mentor always needs to have wise words and life lessons to guide and shape the child. But mentoring doesn’t need to be so intimidating. In Naomi’s experience – both as a mentor and a mentee – the following ideas created ample opportunity to feel connected and heard:

• Drive the child to and from extracurriculars: Many people feel more comfortable opening up in a side-by-side activity versus a face-to-face activity, and children are no different. “By simply spending time driving to and from soccer practice, I’ve had many chats with my niece that may not have come up otherwise,” says Naomi.
  
  
• Go for walks: Naomi has a dog and her niece lives nearby, so when she goes on walks, she checks in with her sister to see if her niece would like to join. Naomi adds, “I let my niece lead the conversation and try to be a non-judgmental listening ear, offering advice and insight as I feel led.”
  
  
• Consume the same entertainment: When her niece discovered a new young adult fantasy book series, Naomi wanted to read it with her so they had something they could discuss – she also wanted to make sure it was age appropriate. “At first I was just reading it to have something to talk with her about, but I genuinely got into it!” Naomi explains. “Plus, we’ve also been able to talk about deep things like friend dynamics, overbearing parents, mental health challenges, and spiritual battles by discussing the characters’ journeys.”
  
  
• Go to a restaurant: Growing up in a single-parent household, Naomi’s family hardly ever went out for dinner, so going to a restaurant was a special occasion. She wanted to pass along the specialness of this experience, so once a year, she takes her niece out for dinner. “By letting her choose the restaurant, I get to see what she’s into,” Naomi explains. “And then when I tell her she can choose anything she wants – within reason – her eyes light up! If she’s comfortable, I also encourage her to order for herself. I think it helps her gain confidence.”
  
  
• Run errands together: It might seem boring, but most children enjoy one-on-one time with someone they care about – they don’t always care what they do. It might be going to the grocery store, walking around the mall, dropping items off at the thrift store, returning bottles to the bottle depot, etc. “Anything can be a fun outing,” Naomi adds, “especially if you add a stop for a treat like a smoothie, Frappuccino or bubble tea.”
  
  
• Do something fun: In today’s economic climate, many families are struggling with the types of outings that cost money – especially if there are multiple children. Something like the aquarium, planetarium, snow sports, or even mini golf may be just too much. But for a non-parent mentor, these types of special outings may be more doable. As costs allow, consider doing something extra special! If you still want to do something special but don’t have the budget, there are free days at museums, festivals, markets, and more that allow you to get the same enjoyment at a lower cost. “You can also ask the child in your life what they want to do,” Naomi suggests. “They may already have something in mind!”

Guidelines for non-parent mentors

The role of the non-parent mentor should never be to replace, diminish, or undermine the role of the parent. They should be supportive of the child, but also supportive of the child’s relationship with the parent.

Naomi’s niece once complained to her about how worried her dad was about her going on a trip with her friend. “Instead of taking her side against her dad,” Naomi explained, “I offered some perspective and explained that her dad’s concern was out of a deep love for her. I told her he wasn’t trying to be a spoilsport – he was wanting to make sure his beloved daughter was safe. Not wanting to fully take his side, I affirmed her feelings of frustration, but after we talked it out, she told me she could see his point.”

If anything comes up that’s concerning, it’s also important to tell the parents of the child to ensure they’re aware of it. For example, if the child shares how they were bullied at school, it’s important for the mentor to tell the parents so they can inform the school and intervention measures can be taken. It can also be helpful for the parents and mentor to share that information in a way that the child doesn’t find out confidence has been broken; so, in the bullying example, instead of saying, “[Your mentor] told us you were bullied,” the parent may take an angle of checking in more regularly about school, asking specific questions about friends, etc. That way the child doesn’t feel uncomfortable being talked about, and they’re more likely to open up to their mentor again in the future.

If you’re in a position to be a non-parent adult mentor to a child, or you are looking for someone to be that person for your own child, remember to pray. God created us for community and in our Western world, community can so often be limited to the nuclear family. Pray for his guidance as you seek out opportunities for connection. There may be someone you already know who would be a perfect mentor for your child!

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