Why your teens need you to be actively involved

One of my greater failings as a father is that though we did many fun things together when my kids were small (parades, fireworks shows, historical sites, etc.), as they entered their teens, I wasn’t thoughtful enough about regularly planning family fun times into our weekends and holidays.

Passivity

It was my inclination to say, "Sure," when each child asked about an invitation from another friend or family, especially in the face of my own passivity about actively planning things we could do together. (It was difficult to offer my nothing in contrast to their friends’ something.)

My passivity in planning family fun times had a lot of roots. Part of it was financial. Part of it was being exhausted from trying to make self-employment work, being the sole wage earner for our family. Part of it came from not realizing how amazingly fast kids advance from age 10 to age 18. Part of it was just plain laziness.

But I regret all of it.

Grow up enjoying each other

Some years ago, I spent some time with Dr. Kevin Leman, a Christian psychologist and author. Kevin is about 15 years older than me, so I had the opportunity to get a glimpse of the future. Seeing how much his young-adult kids relished coming home for visits compelled me to ask: "How do you build a family like this?"

Dr. Leman’s answer was simple: "If the kids grow up enjoying being together, they’ll never want to stop. If every kid goes their own way to have fun – one to ballet, one to soccer, one to Scouts, one to baseball, one to youth group – and the family never takes time to play together, once they grow older, getting together will be a twice-yearly obligation, but it’ll never be a time of real joy."

Be intentional

Every healthy parenting relationship requires plenty of discipline and instruction; life isn’t a perpetual playground. But if you build a family in which pleasure is given little thought, don’t be surprised if it ultimately collapses into a joyless enterprise – and nobody wants to come home after they finally escape.

Parents, as the school year begins in earnest, don’t be like me. Don’t be passive. Actively plan some regular, fun activities. Use pleasure and play to help keep your family together for the rest of your life.